The Lord of the Rings  A Parody
by Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Summary: Batman faces off against his toughest opponent yet, Politically Incorrect Man.  Can he survive the...wait, no. Wrong summary.  Scratch that.  Its a parody of Lord of the Rings.
1. Chapter 1

** The Lord of the Rings - A Parody - **by _Super_Tinfoil_Man Part 2 - _

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_ - Fellowship of the Ring - _

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Chapter 1 - Prologue -

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**The world has changed. **

**I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air, I'm rubbing it in my hair. Much now was once lost….blah blah blah…where is that damn page ? O.K, here we are…..bear with me here…**

**It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the Elves: Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings…..except those ugly ears, did you ever see one of them up close, I mean UGH ! Let's not forget shitty HP, I saw an elf the other day with 35 HP , Hahahaha ! Cough ! O.K , lets continue here….**

**Seven rings were given to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen who are not very tall. **

**Then nine rings were handed out to the race of man, the most untrustworthy of all races, the guy handing out these rings really missed the ball on that one. The elves shoulda been pissed to get the short end of the stick on this deal. **

**But, alas, they were all duped. For another ring was made, in secret. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, The Dark Lord Sauron forged a master ring. Into this ring he poured his malice, his cruelty, his coffee, his will to dominate all life. ****His coffee ? Legend says it was an accident, carry on. **

**One ring to wear at the mall. **

**No, that's not what it says, let me get my glasses. **

**One ring to rule them all. Ah. One by one the free lands of Middle -earth fell to the power of the ring. **

**But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor. They called themselves the Menelves. Not very creative I know but hey, its those friggin unfaithful power thirsty men's idea. **

…**..and on the slopes of Mount Doom they fought, victory was near, but the power of the ring could not be undone…**

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" Grahh ! You son's of Troll's ! I was having a peaceful nap ! " Sauron growled, taking out fifteen soldiers with a single swipe of his mace.

" He's too powerful ! " Isildur sulked, laying on his back, with Sauron swinging away at his buddies.

**It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his fathers sword. **

" Ugh ! Guys ! Did you hear that voice ? " Isildur rolled around, avoiding shards of armour and body parts.

**I said…..It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up HIS FATHERS SWORD ! **

" That's it, I'm finished ! I'm going crazy, I can hear voices in my head ! " Isildur continued to sulk.

**IN THIS MOMENT…..NEVERMIND ! HERE, I'LL DO IT ! **

**It was in this moment that I, the narrator, injected myself into the prologue to slash off Sauron's finger with the ring on it. Giving all credit to Isildur. Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples, was defeated. **

**The ring was in possession of Isildur now, all he had to do was go and destroy the damn thing, but nooooooooooo, man f'ed up again. Way to go mankind. He lost it and it fell to the bottom of a river. **

**History became legend, legend became myth, myth became legend again somehow, then legend turned back into myth, myth became history, it was a confusing time. **

**Two and a half thousand years passed before the ring found a new owner…..**

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" What's this now ? " Gollum said, taking the ring, he found it to be very precious.

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**For five hundred years Gollum held on to the ring, but…as rings often do, they get lost somehow. So the old goof lost the ring. **

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" Why can't people just take better care of me ? I hope my next owner is some kind of high priest or something. " The ring said.

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**It was picked up by Bilbo Baggins of the shire. A hobbit. **

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" You've got to be kidding me. " The ring said in disgust.


	2. The Shire  60 Years Later

**The Lord of the Rings - A Parody - **

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(Late) AN - I do not own The Lord of the Rings or anything affiliated with the LOTR universe.

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Chapter 2 - The Shire -

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**The Shire - 60 Years later….**

**A **peaceful country side stretched into the distance, full of colour and greenery, with splashes of yellowy redness here and there. A bird tweeted nearby, it was really annoying. This was The Shire, the land of the Hobbits, small human-like creatures with hairy feet, shoes weren't invented for them yet.

As we slowly pan the camera down in a right angle, we bump into a thick branch, but we shake the camera a little and maneuver it around the thick branch and down to the right again. We find Frodo Baggins sitting at the base of a peaceful tree trunk, reading a book. The title of the book is unknown at this time. But one can speculate, probably some Sci-fi adventure. He can hear the distant clumping of horse hooves trotting along a dirt path, he looks up and smiles broadly, he stands up and jogs towards the dirt road.

**It was in this moment, when all hope had faded,that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.**

" Who said that ? " Frodo asked the sky above. The narrator coughed then exited the story, he had just woken up, leave the guy alone.

Gandalf the Wizard rode proudly by Frodo as the small Hobbit jogged next to the wagon.

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**Meanwhile….In Toronto Ontario Canada…**

" I would like a Big-Mac combo, no bun, with only Mac sauce and cheese on it. " Jeremy Dirtstang ordered from his moped, it was a hot day.

**Much to his dismay, what the son of a telemarketer did not know, was that his evil landlord Wang was planning to evict him from his apartment due to…..wait a second, what realm are we in here….?**

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**Back in Middle-Earth…..**

**Gandalf is travelling into The Shire….yes we mentioned that didn't we? But we need to introduce Gandalf a little better than that. A dragon once moved out of his den for him, if he were to zap you with lightning, you'd have to fight off the strong urge to thank him, his beard alone, has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body, Chuck Norris is afraid of him, he's been the life of parties he's never attended….**

**He's the most interesting wizard in the world…..**

" I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Delhazzies. " Gandalf said with a strange accent.

" Who are you talking to ? " Frodo asked, out of breath, he was still trying to get into the wagon. He finally rolled into the wagon before he died of exhaustion.

" You're late. " He puffed.

" A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Delhazzies. " Gandalf announced.

" Its wonderful to see you Gandalf ! " Frodo beamed, beamingly.

" You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Dildo's birthday ? " Gandalf smiled.

" Uh, its Bilbo. Not Dildo. "

" I said Bilbo, you jack-ass. Get your mind out of the gutter. " Gandalf turned a little red.

" What news of the outside world ? Tell me everything ! " Frodo was beaming again, don't get too used to it though, there is a lot of angst looks coming in the future. (spoiler warning. )

Just then Gandalf heard the quick bleep of sirens, he looked into his rear view mirror to see red and blue lights flickering on the top of the wagon behind him , " Not now boy ! We got trouble, damn Shire cops ! "

He whipped his horses into action and an exciting wagon chase ensued, but Gandalf soon lost the cops.

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**After several minutes of scenic Shire googling …**

" So how is the old rascal ? I hear its going to be a party of special magnificence. " Gandalf resumed the conversation as his horses calmed down to a trot again. _I hope he says strippers. _

" You know Bilbo, he's got the whole place in an uproar. " Frodo smiled.

" Oh, well that should please him. " _How can I word this delicately ? Hey boy, any strippers going to the party ? Nah, hey boy, any women taking off their clothing in a provocative way going to the party ? Nah. _

" Half the Shire is invited. " Frodo continued.

" Good gracious. " _I don't care, what about women ? _

" He's up to something. " Frodo continued again.

" Really…..how about…you know….stri…" Gandalf was cut off by the blabbing boy this time.

" Alright ! Keep your secrets ! Before you came along we Hobbites were well thought of. " Frodo teased the old wizard.

" Cough, if you're referring to the incedent with the dragon, the creature was already pregnant before we got there. The story of Bilbo having sex with it is just legend."

Frodo looked shockingly at the old wizard.

" All I did was film it. " Gandalf continued.

" Well, whatever you did, you've been officially labelled as a disturber of shit. " Frodo laughed.

They came to a group of kids outside a humble Hobbit home, with an elderly couple outside doing chores.

" Gandalf ! Gandalf ! Fireworks ! " The children screamed as he rode past.

They looked disappointed as he continued on. The elderly man gave Gandalf the stink eye while his wife raked the front lawn. Then, suddenly, a blue streaking firework shot out of the back of the wagon, igniting the elderly man's wife, she screamed as she caught fire. She rolled around the front lawn trying to extinguish the flames. The elderly man finally smirked. The children cheered.

" Gandalf, I'm glad your back. " Frodo smiled as he jumped out of the wagon.

" 'Bout time that kid shut the hell up. " Gandalf muttered as he continued on.


	3. Nut End

_**The Lord of the Rings - A Parody - **_

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Chapter 3 - Nut End -

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Gandalf stopped his horse in front of a fancy Hobbit home at Nut End. This particular home had a round front door built right into the grassy hillside. There was a sign by the door that read : **NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT FOR DRUGS. **Gandalf raised his great staff and knocked on the door, the top of his staff broke off and fell uselessly to the ground. _I need a new staff. _

" No thank you ! We don't need anymore vacuum cleaners and I don't want house insurance ! " A cranky, annoyed voice called out from inside.

" What about very old friends ? " Gandalf smiled.

There was no sound, no response. A bird tweeted nearby followed by the distant snap of a tree branch. Another bird tweeted then chirped, followed by two more chirping birds. Gandalf cleared his throat.

" I said, what about very old friends ? " The wizard called out a little louder this time.

A Honda Civic drove by creating a dust cloud that Gandalf waved away with his old, wrinkly hand. The door finally opened to reveal a Hobbit wearing rich clothing.

" Dumbledore ? " The Hobbit asked with a surprised expression painted on his face…..with paint.

" No, " Gandalf roared, " not that damn fairy ! It's **ME ! **You remember ? _The Killer of Things ? _"

" _The Robed Assassin. _" Bilbo smiled.

" _The Wizard of Oz. _" Gandalf added laughing.

" _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. _" Bilbo crossed his arms gansta style.

" I don't recall that one, dear friend. " Gandalf bent down on one knee and hugged his old friend.

" One hundred and eleven years old, can you believe it ? " Bilbo bragged.

" You look like you haven't aged a day. " Gandalf said as they entered the Nut End.

Bilbo hung up Gandalf's smelly wizard hat on a peg and walked quickly down the hall. Gandalf looked around as Bilbo offered beer and drugs in the distance. He looked closely at a map of a mountain area and smirked, possibly some adventure in the past. He turned and smashed face first into a chandelier, it badly cut his face. He screamed and rolled around on the floor as blood squirted in all directions.

**THE END. **

**NICE TRY READER, TURN BACK TO PAGE 34 AND TRY THE OTHER CHOICE ! **

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**IT WAS IN THIS TIME THAT THE AUTHOR DECIDED TO STOP WRITING A LORD OF THE RINGS PARODY AND DO A SERIOUS ROMANTIC TALE ABOUT A VAMPIRE …**

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**- Twilight and the Red Rose of Roses Near a Moon - By - **_**S**__uper_Tinfoil_Man Part 2 _

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Chapter 1 - The Swan Effect -

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**B**ella Swan stood there looking at the pretty blond girls piling into Van " The Man" Calahan's Corvette. She wasn't like those girls, she had dark eye shadow, she was deep. She spotted Edward Cullen driving by on his brand new ten speed bike.

_There she is again. _Edward thought as he pumped his legs a little faster. _She can't know my secret, she can't ever know that I'm a vampire. _

_He's probably a vampire. _Bella thought. _I'm not a vampire you ugly ditch pig ! _Edward thought at her. _Huh ? How are you thinking in my brain ? Just shut up and mentally kiss me ! _

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**FAR ACROSS MIDDLE EARTH, EVERYONE IS FROZEN IN PLACE AS THE AUTHOR DECIDED TO ABANDON THEM…BUT THEY WOULD SOON BE SAVED, FOR THE SON OF A CARPENTER WOULD RETURN….**

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" Frodo suspects something. " Bella Swan said to Harry Potter ?

**THIS NARRATOR HAS NOW SLAPPED THE AUTHOR, THROWING AWAY HIS BEER AND STRIPPERS. **

" Of course he suspects something, he's not a friggin Bracegirdle from Hardbottle. " Bilbo said turning around.

" You will tell him, won't you ? " Gandalf pressed.

" Yes, yes. " Bilbo said waving a hand.

" He's very fond of you. " Gandalf smiled.

" Yes, I know it. He'd come with me if…" Bilbo began but Gandalf grabbed him by the scruff of his breast material.

" He's _VERY_ very fond of you. " Gandalf breathed as he leaned in close to Bilbo, their lips touched briefly but Bilbo turned away quickly.

" We mustn't, " He stuttered, " we shouldn't. "

" I want you inside me. " Gandalf stated taking off his cloak, large folds of wrinkled skin dropped to the floor.

**OH FOR GOD SAKES STOP IT AUTHOR ! **

" I plan on taking a long holiday, I won't be returning. " Bilbo said ominously as he flicked his hand in his side pocket and played with something in there.

" Lets go outside and smoke some real kick ass weed. " Gandalf said taking out a pipe.

" Oh, you know me. You really know me. " Bilbo said as he grabbed a bag of green stuff.

" For sure, my little barefooted friend. " Gandalf walked out the back door.

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**Meanwhile…**

_To be continued….._


	4. The Party

** The Lord of the Rings - A Parody - **

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Chapter 4 - The Party -

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**Explosion sound effect ! **

The firework exploded over the celebration below. The firework spread out in the night sky as a _Sprint Logo_. The Hobbits below oohed and ahhed at it, then continued the drunk fest. Gandalf watched everything. A stray Hobbit nudged him on the arm.

" What happened to your horse and carriage ? " The Hobbit asked.

" It's a long story. " Gandalf almost whispered as a flashback started.

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**Flashback…one hour and fifteen minutes ago…**

Gandalf and Bilbo sat on the deck smoking weed when the grey wizard heard a rustle noise coming from the front of the house. He stood up and walked around Nut End to see a bald, muscle bound guy and a shorter Mexican guy looking around the wagon. The bald guy noticed Gandalf approach and walked up to him carrying a sheet of paper.

" Sir, sir we are with R.P.B.S, we are here to repossess your vehicle. " Matt the bald guy told Gandalf.

" Whatever do you mean, repossess ? You never owned it to begin with. " The great wizard protested.

" Sir, you are seven months behind on payments and…" Matt started.

" Indeed ? " Gandalf inquired.

" I'll have to ask you to calm down sir. " Matt held up his hand in a stop motion.

" But I am calm. " Gandalf said but was tackled and choked to the ground by Matt.

" Go go ! " Matt screamed to Froy, who had hot wired the wagon and took off with it. Matt let the wizard go and ran after Froy. Gandalf got up, brushed himself off and ran after Matt with tears in his eyes.

" Is that any way to treat a wizard ! " He screamed.

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**Flashback over….. **

" I never saw my horse and wagon again. " Gandalf sighed then lowered his head. " But don't…." He noticed the hobbit had wandered off during his flashback. He just smiled and wondered when the narrator would kick in. Then it happened.

**When I'm down I drink Dr. Pepper ! **

The narrator had sold out. But screw him and his narrating, lets move down to that table with all the hobbit beer around it, with the two little hobbits gingerly sipping out of each glass.

" Go on Sam, " Frodo elbowed his friend, " ask Rosie for a dance. "

" No ! " Sam screamed in panic, but Frodo grabbed his arm and threw him towards the dance floor. The poor guy was swept away in the dancing frenzy just as _Eminem's I'm not afraid_ rap song came on.

Frodo laughed as he slurped Sam's beer down for him. It was Budweiser.

Gandalf lit another firework, this one exploded into the form of Optimus Prime, the crowd applauded. Over Gandalf's old shoulder in the background, we zoom in on Bilbo Baggins as he relates a story to a small group of kids.

" So, there I was…..at the mercy of three monstrous trolls…have you ever heard of a Troll ? Do you know what a troll is ? Great big, nasty, thirty five foot high creatures, so nasty they make YOUR mother look good. " Bilbo pointed to a shocked boy, the boy screamed that it was impossible for any creature to be uglier than his mom. But before the kids could be taken out of the magic of Bilbo's story, he continued….

" What they intended to do was eat us, that was for certain. One of my close friends got it first. The troll grabbed him by the top half of his body, then ripped him in half, spilling his pink and red guts all over the ground. He chewed on the top half of my friend as he watched us with his dead eyes. When they finally fell asleep I decided that enough was enough, I wasn't going to become some goddamn troll meal. I got out of my ropes then snuck up on a troll, I heaved a boulder over his head and smashed it right into his skull, it made a sickening CRACK noise as his grey brain slid out on the ground with blood…."

" I think that'll be quite enough my friend. " Gandalf patted Bilbo's shoulder as he eyed the hysterically crying kids. " You're stories are getting more graphic with age. "

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**Meanwhile…..further in the background….**

Merry and Pippin snuck around to the back of Gandalf's brand new wagon SSX-320. Pippin reached in a hauled out a small firework.

" No, not that one, grab that big one there. " Merry whispered, Pippin grabbed the bigger one and lit the fuse. They both started to throw the large firework back and forth in a panic, when it suddenly went off ! Taking the tent with it !

The firework soared up to the sky, then exploded into the form of a white, dog-like dragon ! All the hobbits started screaming as the dragon did a slow turn then dived towards the celebration. Frodo tackled Bilbo to the ground as the white dragon passed over head.

" ATREYU ! " The white dog-like dragon screamed as he continued to fly around. Then a boy named Bastian, who was sitting on the white-dragons back, pointed to Merry and Pippin. The two hobbits turned and ran down an alley made of tents.

" RAARRRARRR ! " The dog-like dragon roared, Pippin and Merry jumped into a trash container out of sight. Bastian did a fist pump then they both exploded into brilliant reds and greens. The crowd cheered.

Merry and Pippin slowly poked their heads out of the trash container.

" That was good, lets get another one ! " Pippin said but was grabbed by the ear, as was his friend. Gandalf started to violently backhand both of the hobbits as the crowd called for a speech in the background.

" Good evening ladies and …" Bilbo instantly vanished from sight, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Frodo jumped from his chair and gaped at the empty stool were Bilbo was just moments before. Gandalf's eyes narrowed, did he suspect something?

" I suspect something. " Gandalf said to nobody. He then chewed on his pipe, but it broke off into his mouth, he started to choke. He grabbed Frodo and made the pat-me-on-the-back motion with his hand.

" This is _some_ party. " Sam said from under a table, he was still afraid of the dog-dragon.

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**53 yards away….**

The back door to Nut End suddenly opened on its own ! WTF ? Then it closed on its own ! That is some freak wind they have there in Hobbit Land. Bilbo Baggins appeared suddenly as he removed his golden ring. He quickly picked up his travel bag and walking stick and started for the front door. But he was cut off by Gandalf.

" I suppose you think that was terribly clever ? " The wizard said with his arms crossed.

" Oh, fuck off Gandalf. Did you see their faces ? " Bilbo almost jumped with delight.

" You should leave that ring behind. " Gandalf said softly.

" Eat it, old guy ! It's MINE ! MY PRECIUOS ! " Bilbo grabbed the ring in his palm and held it close to his chest as he smiled.

" It's been called that before, but not by you. " Gandalf said, then raised his hand, made a fist, then punched Bilbo right in the face. The old hobbit fell quickly to the floor then slid right to the other side of the room.

" Fine. Fine ! " Bilbo got up off of the floor then walked over to his wizard friend. He held out his hand with the ring right in the center of his palm. He licked his lips in anticipation as he slowly turned his hand to one side and let the ring fall to the floor. The ring made a huge boom noise as it landed. Gandalf noticed that the ring could suddenly fit around a horses neck. Strange.

" Later. " Bilbo said running away from his own home. Gandalf just waved his hand as if batting away a fly. He leaned on the fireplace, deep in thought.

" _My precious…..precious_. " Gandalf thought deeply of those words that Bilbo had sputtered, he could hear them again clearly. Almost as if Bilbo were actually….

" _My precious, my PRECIOUS_. " Bilbo whispered, adding an echo like quality to his voice. He stood right next to Gandalf.

" Will you just leave, please ! " Gandalf pointed roughly to the front door. Bilbo made his exit without saying a word this time.

Gandalf leaned on the fireplace again, muttering to himself about taxes. " Me ….and you go fishing in the dark…counting sharks….letting the cool grass grow…"

Frodo smashed right through the front door calling out Bilbo's name. He stopped to pick up a shiny new ring he noticed on the floor. But the giant 350 pound ring wouldn't budge. He tried again and again until the ring reshaped itself so the little hobbit could carry it.

Gandalf was oblivious to this major event taking place behind him, he just continued to mutter to himself, " Stop having a boring tuna….stop having a boring life….we're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time…..you're gonna love my nuts…..Linguine, martini, bikini!….you're gonna have an exciting life now…."

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To be continued….


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